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*********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those *** *** Who Think Reality is Something to be Avoided *** *** *** *** ================ *** *** *** *** *** *** February, 1985. Issue002, (Volume I, Number 2). NutWorks is *** *** distributed monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) virtual *** *** Editor and Publisher. *** *** *** *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** Insanity, Fatigue, Divine Inspiration, and the Forced Removal of One's Own Hair -------------------------------------------------- On the whole, things are going nicely. This is the second issue of NutWorks, the magazine that has been hailed as the greatest thing since the invention of rope, and it too is doing quite well. The subscription list numbers 58 at present and, thanks to the many wonders of modern technology, it can safely be said that the sun never sets on the readers of NutWorks. Yes, friends, we're now an institution, which is quite suitable considering that an institution is precisely where many of us should indeed be placed. It's a small wonder that NutWorks has been selected by leading social scientists as "the one entity that will likely represent the most significant output of mankind during his Earthly History". There are times, however, when the whole thing becomes just a tad tedious. Between constantly updating the mailing list, writing English papers, transforming the unending monotonous drollery of my COS220 professor into a working Pascal program, occasionally going to class, and working twelve hours a week, all the while bumming food off of my friends and trying to have sex with this girl I know, I am quickly going out of my mind, and for some reason I find myself watching shows like "Three's Company" a lot. Well, such is life. But I'm sure you'll understand why this issue is made up almost entirely of other people's work. Thanks (and big ones) to Jim (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Reed (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Roman (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Marissa (xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx), Gary (xxxxxxxx@xxxxx), and Todd (xxxxxxx@xxxxx). BB =============== Editor's Note: Being an op, I can relate to this. Send contributions for the following column to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The following article is written in honor of all Operators and Consultants who have to deal with unusual questions from, to say the least, unusual people, each day they go to work! I have received Lots of help and lots of people deserve credit. The most important person for this first column is Larry Ruch (xxxxxx xx xxxxxxx). He sent me a file containing this type of "humor" and I want to share it with you. Transcribed from the Operators Logbook: (or, Sad But True Stories!) QUESTION OF THE MORING : Is there a computer in here?? You got it another 100 student! What will they teach them next! WHOSE TO BLAME? QUESTION: "My job was deleted by "HASP", Where is HASP? Apparently she wanted to ask HASP why he deleted her job. U KNOW WHO YOU ARE! QUESTION: a program for CS105 printed "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" where my output should have printed; Should I just run it again?? ANSWER : Sure if you want! QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: What does JOB TIME EXCEEDED mean? RUNNER UP: What's a SUBROUTINE? (hell it is only the 11th week of classes. Why should anyone know what a subroutine is?) DUMBEST QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: My job hasn't come out yet. It has been a long time. Could you find it? (on the surface this isn't very humorous or dumb but the astute oparator (that's me) checked on her job ("SAMPLE" -- catchy name, huh?). And it wasn't found in the system. Turning around I found that the mysteriously missing output had been sitting on the printer for "a long time". She was in 105. Maybe she will be a great future buisness leader! I am worried about our economy now.... USER'S FAVORITE COMMAND: Come fix the printer! It's not printing my job. The person before me got his, but mines not coming out. I wish I had a dime for everytime I heard something like that... If I did I would probably be rich and not have to work here for a LONG LONG time! WHAT ARE THEY FOR THEN: Get ready for this one --- Someone tried to run a rubberband through the card reader -- obviously skipping for Job card, but an engineer had to come out and operate. Don't they teach students to take the rubber band off first? ONE FOR THE ROAD: It was 11:45 and closing time at 12 and a bright CS105 student came up and asked why his program wasn't working? the error was "FORMAT ERROR ON CONTROL CARD: INVALID CHARACTERS IN FIELD". He was just trying to do like his TA said He documented each of his data cards, on each card after the data was written : DATA CARD 1 DATA CARD 2 . . . *SIGH* Author's Comments: Well that ends my first column. It's rather short, but it will get longer. I also want to thank people from UCF1VM for thier input. Suggestions from anyone and everyone will be welcome. It is nice to know that users accross the country do dumb things too. ================ Big-time Philosophical Theory Provided as a Treat for Thinkers: "Time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once." --John Parthum, A Deep User. ================ A Joke (and a distastefull one at that) ----------------------------------------- There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?" "Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again. "Hey, brother, let's dance." He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?" "Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home." He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?" "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?" "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!" "Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?" So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again. "Hey . . . " she says. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?" "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it." "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad." "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me." (I warned you. heh heh) ================= Received: from xxxxxx by xxxxx id xxxx; xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx:xx xxx Date: xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx xxx From: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx Subject: letter to the editor To: BRENT@MAINE dear editor: i have just finished reading ISSU#1, Vol 1 (what's the difference?) of the newest, nuttiest, virtual magazine 2 hit the readers, NUTWORKS, & i readily admit 2 issuing a few guffaws & chortles (yes, karl, i stole it) tho i must confess that the "documentation sex quiz" did raise my eyebrows 2 the point where they nearly flew off my face. i think the title NUTWORKS is grate but, guys, change the spelling--it pains me 2 type KS where an X will adequately impart the necessary fonix 2 achieve the proper sound...& here is my written permisssion allowing u 2 usurp my shorthand...speaking of my shorthand, can i lodge a few complaints here??? c'mon, all u copyrite in-fringers--gimme a brake!! u all agree 2 pay the royalties i demand but have i yet seen a virtual red cent in my rdr??? u guilty CHATters no who i mean!! & while i m speaking of CHAT, all u nukers or bombers (or whatever the appropriate lingo mite b 2 describe u) gimme a brake!!! i travel@300 baud! those things piss me off & lotsa u out there can attest 2 that (heheh). have some consideration folx! almost as bad as those r CHATters who start yawn-ing & snoring on the channel!!! that's insulting & u can more easily relieve your bordom by typing CHAT /change et al. now that CHAT has resumed it's regular (as opposed 2 irregular) schedule, u mite want 2 try some other chatting facilities. billy@bmacadm, run by cuny, is open 24 hours a day (when & if cuny is running). FORUM (also sponsored by cuny types & written by quite a talented cuny type who wood probably nolog my id if i revealed his) is now available. 4um (typical of me) is faster than any other system i have been on but is unreleased & still in test stages (at this writing) & u should b wary of hidden commands within the exec such as ERASE * * (only kidding, steve). but not 2 worry anway--there is always vmbackup....unless, of course, u r at a certain node best left unmentioned.... anyway, editor, keep up the good work. u will shirley hear from me again but not if u insist on calling me shirley!!! looking 4ward 2 the next exciting issu, regards, marissa something many ids @ cunyvm Note: The preceding letter was placed here because it is hilarious. It should be pointed out, however, that NutWorks is spelled the way it is--including the capital 'W'--for reasons that are much to complex and euphoric to right now relate. ==================== Editor's Note: The statements in the following ad parody do not neccesarily reflect the views of the NutWorks staff. Uh...yeah. Hi there, this is Jimmy the Grope of the IRS. I am the president of of the local chapter of the IRSG (Internal Relaxation Service Group) Now, I am here to introduce to you the fastest growing way of enjoy- ing yourself, along with others. We here at IRSG think that the weekend is by far the best time to relax. Everyine needs relaxation. YOU need relaxation. C'mon! Live it up! PARTY!! Forget the homework and the lectures. Relax your Brain. Give it a break! Just think of your brain as being like a small computer system...and Boot it!! Now, the IRSG can help you get started on your R and R ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! That's right I said FREE!!! And believe me, we're just aching to help out. I know your saying to yourself, "But Jimmy, how can you help me have a good time?" Well let me assure you that with the stuff I've got, you'll never ask that question again. All you'll want to know is where you can get more! Because we do away with the middle-man, we are prepared to offer you our relaxation starter kit and all you have to do to receive it is dial our toll-free number, 1-800-GET-HIGH. Believe me, you won't be sorry. Hey! You can trust Uncle Jimmy! Just tell me your name, address, phone number, and the names of your loved ones and I'll send you your very own relaxation starter kit containing all sorts of magical things! We can't say just what those things are in this add, but let me tell you, you won't be sorry! AND, if you decide to join our nationwide club before HIGH noon, we'll send you an extra suprise package! This special gift has a street value of over 50 dollars. Yours just for joining our HIGHly acclaimed club. You'll truly enjoy this wonderfull suprise, you have my word as a salesman. But if you don't enjoy your membership in our club, you can decline your enrollment, and keep the extra suprise as a gift. "How can I do it?" you ask? Well, certain South American individuals would have old Jimmy's head if he told you. But I will say that you're the one who's getting the deal here!! So act now! Give me a call. And help yourself to my generosity... ...for life. Operators are now waiting to take your call. Just dail 1-800-GET-HIGH that's 1-800-GET-HIGH, and relax. ==================== | The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on | July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance | forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident | details in as few words as possible. Such instances | of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency | can be highly entertaining. | | ---------------------------------------------------- | | | 1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and | collided with a tree I don't have. | | 2. The other car collided with mine without giving | warning of its intent. | | 3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the | other way. | | 4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a | telephone pole. | | 5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was | on my way home. As I reached an intersection, | a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I | did not see the other car. | | 6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell | asleep at the wheel and had an accident. | | 7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end | trouble when my universal joint gave way | causing me to have an accident. | | 8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the | other vehicle. | | 9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly | appeared in a place where no sign had ever | appeared before, I was unable to stop in time | to avoid the accident. | | 10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon | removing my hair, I found that I had a | fractured skull. | | 11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it | to the other side of the road when I struck | him. | | 12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as | he bounced off the hood of my car. | | 13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little | guy in a small car with a big mouth. | | 14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, | and was later found in a ditch by some stray | cows. | | 15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. | | 16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it | was up when I put my head through it. | | 17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, | I struck the pedestrian. | | 18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a | number of times before I hit him. (Number 18 gets my vote -- BB) | | 19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so | I ran over him. | | 20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my | car and vanished. | | 21. A truck backed through my windshield into my | wife's face. | | 22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced | at my mother-in-law, and headed over the | embankment. | ==================== The following is a copy of some correspondance which took place between one of our editors and a Mr. Lewis Carroll: Dear Mr. Carroll, The publisher has referred to me your latest work, a poem called "Jabberwocky," for editing. "Jabberwocky" seems rife with misspellings and typos; I assumed that these were unintentional and the fault of your typist. Fortunately, we have recently purchased PROFS (Professional Office Systems), a new IBM package that includes a sophisticated proofreader and spelling checker. This program is able to guess quite accurately as to what the misspelled word may actually be. PROFS also offers synonyms and alternatives for words, and it can note redundant, awkward or wordy phrases. I have run "Jabberwocky" through this program. Granted, your obvious intent is to produce a work of fantasy, so I've taken some of your proper nouns to be creations of your imagination. Certain words, however, weren't clear. For example, the first line of your original text read: "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves." The only words recognized by the PROFS proofreader were "and the." When I hit a key marked "aid," I get a list of what PROFS construes to be possible spellings of a flagged word. With "slithy," PROFS came up with slithery, slimy, slither, slimly, silty, slinky, and slight. Your typist must have inadvertently dropped the "er" from "slithery" and come up with the nonsense "slithy." Of course, I fixed the word to say "slithery." And so it goes. I continued to make repairs as I deemed fit. But Mr. Carroll, the mistakes were not always clear. For example, in the first verse your text read: "All mimsy were the borogoves." The computer thought that you had meant to say: "All misty were the bongoes," but bongoes is a far shot from borogoves. What did you mean by borogoves? In the second verse, you warn to "shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" "Frumious" is obviously a misspelling of "furious"; however, I have no idea as to just what a Bandersnatch might be. Our computer has suggested "Ballerinas," but I suspect that you had something better in mind. Mr. Carroll, I've edited many fantasies, so I must warn you that I am familiar with all forms of sword, be they elfish, dwarfish or otherwise. I have already heard of the "vorpal sword" you mentioned in verse three. It seems to have gained popularity among role-playing game enthusiasts,(1) but I'm not sure its reference is appropriate here. The computer certainly doesn't have "vorpal" in its memory, so I'm not sure that the public would appreciate your using the word. I have let the computer substitute "verbal" for "vorpal," and I believe that you will find the result has a nice ring to it. Some of the other gems that your secretary came up with include an "uffish" thought, "whiffling" when you certainly meant "waffling," and some sort of wood. She called it a "tulgey wood." Again the computer came through: Did you mean "turkey wood?" Admittedly, the computer had quite a time with "turkey wood"; it insisted that it should have been "turkey would." But that would have been nonsense. A good editor shouldn't be afraid to override a computer. When I first saw the word "chortled" I was sure that you had made it up!(2) The computer didn't flag it as being misspelled, but it couldn't offer any synonyms for it either. On looking it up, I was amused to discover that it was meant to be a cross between a chuckle and a snort. How clever of you to find it! Well, enough criticism. I'm sure your poem is salvageable. It's a pity, though, that even "cleaned up" this poem would be far too difficult for children to read. One function of the PROFS proofreader is to check the comprehension level of a word. I'm afraid that some of the words you use are level 16, i.e., a person would have to be a graduate student or better to understand the word. That's too bad, because there's quite a market for children's verse. Anyway, I've underlined the unrecognizable words in your original and I'm returning it to you. I've also enclosed the result of my collaboration with the computer; I believe that you will find the corrected version to be pleasing, understandable and in keeping with your reputation. Let me know what you think. I hope you understand that there are few publishers out there who care to take the time to work with promising authors. Yours truly, xxxxx xxxxxx -------------------- (1) To "Dungeons and Dragons" players, a "vorpal sword" has the power to sever limbs when the player rolls 18 or higher. The word is a Carroll creation. (2) "Chortle," a word coined by Carroll, has worked its way into standard dictionaries. JABBERWOCKY 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves ----- ------- ------ ----- Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: ---- ------ ---- All mimsy were the borogoves, ----- --------- And the mome raths outgrabe. ---- ----- -------- "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! ---------- The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun ------ The frumious Bandersnatch!" -------- ------------ He took his vorpal sword in hand: ------ Long time the manxome foe he sought -- ------- So rested he by the Tumtum tree, ------ And stood awhile in thought And, as in uffish thought he stood, ------ The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, ---------- Came wiffling through the tulgey wood, -------- ------ And burbled as it came! One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! ------ He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. ---------- "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? ---- Come to my arms, my beamish boy! ------- O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" -------- ------- ------ He chortled in his joy. 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves ----- ------- ------ ----- Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: ---- ------ ---- All mimsy were the borogoves, ----- --------- And the mome raths outgrabe. ---- ----- -------- JABBERWHACKY 'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes Did gore and gimlet in the wave: All misty were the bongoes, And the mole rats outraged. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The furious Ballerinas!" He took his verbal sword in hand: Long time the meantime foe he sought -- So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thought And, as in iffiest thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came waffling through the turkey wood, And burbled as it came! One, two! One, two! And through and through The verbal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galloping back. "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beaming boy! O fabulous day! Callooh! Callay!" He chortled in his joy. 'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes Did gore and gimlet in the wave: All misty were the bongoes, And the mole rats outraged. ==================== ZEN AND THE ART OF SOFTWARE DOCUMENTATION (Translated from the P'-u-t'ung hua dialect by W.C.Carlson) Editor's Note: The following are excerpts from the only known treatise on Zen Software Documentation. Called "H'ring-chu-tsu", which literally translates to "Ink of Several Insignificant Matters", this treatise was written in 12th Century Japan by the scholarly monk E'm-ie-T'. That it discusses Software documentation -- predating the advent of software by 850 years -- is but another of the mysteries of those who walk the true path. This article should be read twice. On Preparing to Write of Software To prepare for the writing of Software, the writer must first become one with it, sometimes two. Software is untasteable, opalescent, transparent; the user sees not the software, so the writer must see through it. Spend long, quiet mornings in meditation. Do not sharpen the mind, but rather blunt it by doing Zen crosswords. (Ed. note: Zen crosswords are done by consulting only the "Down" clues; and always in the mind, never on paper.) The mind should be rooted but flexible, as a long stemmed flower faces the Sun yet bends with the Wind. Think not of compound adjectives because they tend to wire the mind in two directions. Rather, consider the snowflake, which radiates in beauty in any and all directions. Partake of strong drink. Do not study the Software; let it study you. Allow the Software admission to your mind, but keep in the cheap seats. Let it flow around you at its own pace. Do not disturb or dismay it, but keep it from your private parts because it tends to coalesce there. When the Software is with you, you will know it. It will lead your mind where it should be, and prepare you for the narcolepsy that is cert ain to follow. You will know when the Software is with you, and so will others. You will smile with an inner smile. Typewriters will frighten you. You will fall down a lot. The first exercise in writing Software documentation is the Haiku. Haiku are 17 syllable poem forms in which many ideas of a single concept are reduced -- nay, disheating agent (if properly prepared). Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. ===================== PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE (With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX) Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care. Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure 1. Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the features of the operating system. 1) Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it will be a cold day in Hell before half of them are used. So many that you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. However, the number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some interesting values for the options and called them... 2) Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like them. If we didn't, we would have made something else the default. So keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. If you change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1. 3) Language Processors. They work just fine. They take in source, and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You can even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like we do. They said, "See figure 1." 4) Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use. You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure 1. 5) Error Logging. Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer? You don't want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed, and we probably can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00 or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1. 6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, but sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1. 7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70 tasks, no problem, just make them all priority 1. Anyway, realtime isn't important like it used to be, we changed our group's name to get rid of the word realtime, and we told all our realtime users to see figure 1 a long time ago. In conclusion, stuff your PSR. Love our system or leave it, but don't complain! Figure 1. +------------------------------+ | | | _ | | ( ) | | | | | | | | | | .-.| |.-. | | .-| |.-. | | | | ; | | \ ; | | \ ; | | | : | | | | | | | | | | | +------------------------------+ ===================== rted. alone. night passed into morning the room was quite littered with core dumps and punch cards. "i'm closer." he tittered. chain smoking, cold coffee. logic, deduction. "i've go